On January 27th my daughters brother Alex was officially adopted into the family that he has been staying with since December 2004. This follows the adoption of Molly 2 years ago. Please don't misunderstand me - this is a wonderful thing not only for Alex and Molly and for their families. So what am I trying to say? Have you ever been happy and furious at the same time? Well, maybe furious is the wrong word. I'm really not sure how to express this second emotion. Its an emotion that comes up allot whenever I really think about this situation.
My part in this situation is both peripheral and very involved. My daughter Tryn has 2 brothers and a sister from her fathers second marriage. Zeke, Alex and Eowyn. A few months after Eowyn was born in 2004 the situation dictated that they all went to live with different relatives of their moms. Their mom and dad separated and in 2007 Eowyn was adopted by the Graham family and became Molly Elizabeth Eowyn Graham. A few days ago Alex was adopted by the Hadfields. I understand this - I'm not arguing it. I'm even thrilled for Alex. What stuns me, what amazes me is their father. I talk to their mom occasionally and she tells me how she talks to Zeke and Alex on the phone. I'm not sure how much contact she has with Molly. And of course she has contact with her oldest daughter Shannon from her first marriage.
But Mark, our ex...if he almost never calls our daughter who he lived with for the longest of all the children (10 years) what hope is that he has made any attempt to keep contact with the other kids? That attitude makes me angry and sad and furious and frustrated. I don't want him interfering with their lives but to let the kids drop out of his life? If someone tried to take Tryn from me - it would be war. If health requirements meant she needed to live somewhere else for awhile, I would be writing and calling all the time. I imagine that very soon Zeke will be joining his new family (just a guess) and I wonder how Mark will react to that. Every time he has gotten notice he has called or written me and raged about how he is going to fight it...but never does.
And that is best. The kids are best off where they are with the families they are with, but I wish he would have contacted them and just requested to be kept up on how his children are doing. Send them a birthday present and Christmas present. To me, even if the court says he isn't legally responsible for 2 of his four children anymore, that doesn't disregard a moral or emotional responsibility.
On emotional responsibility - explaining this to my daughter is so hard. She doesn't understand why her dad is "letting the kids go" and she feels like she is loosing her siblings. This is such a hard topic to explain to a 16 year old. Because the kids are so young it is hard for them to remember her and the oldest Zeke who might actually remember her is the farthest away. I want to try and arrange for her to see Molly and Alex this summer now that they will be in the same city - she has never even met Molly, but I have to get this okay ed with their new families first.
I wonder if I'm projecting emotions onto Mark - but another part says no - a responsible parent keeps some kind of contact. Even if Mark only sent birthday cards and Christmas cards its something to tell the child "I remember you".
I'm angry at Mark because it feels to me like he is ignoring his children. I don't understand this attitude. I'm happy that they have family that loves them, and is taking them in and welcoming them. Molly and Alex seem very happy with them and I am so grateful for that.
I remember Zeke, from the time he was born I saw him nearly every day until Mark and Liby moved to Albuquerque. I wonder how he is doing now, he was such a happy baby I imagine him as a friendly outgoing little boy now.
I remember Alex and how scared we were for him when he was born. I was at the hospital nearly every day visiting them. He was always so little, and was still a baby when they moved. The pictures I see now - its amazing, he has Libys hair and eyes and Marks face and build. He seems happy and that's all I can ask.
I never met Eowyn - I watch her grow in pictures. In the reports of her "screaming" I hear echos of Tryns temper. In the comments I see hints of an amazing and independent girl. I remember Tryn at that age, also fiercely independent. I know Molly is her own person, without a doubt. However without meeting her I see her in pictures and through her mothers eyes. I also see her through the prism of her two sisters Shannon and Tryn.
My part in this situation is both peripheral and very involved. My daughter Tryn has 2 brothers and a sister from her fathers second marriage. Zeke, Alex and Eowyn. A few months after Eowyn was born in 2004 the situation dictated that they all went to live with different relatives of their moms. Their mom and dad separated and in 2007 Eowyn was adopted by the Graham family and became Molly Elizabeth Eowyn Graham. A few days ago Alex was adopted by the Hadfields. I understand this - I'm not arguing it. I'm even thrilled for Alex. What stuns me, what amazes me is their father. I talk to their mom occasionally and she tells me how she talks to Zeke and Alex on the phone. I'm not sure how much contact she has with Molly. And of course she has contact with her oldest daughter Shannon from her first marriage.
But Mark, our ex...if he almost never calls our daughter who he lived with for the longest of all the children (10 years) what hope is that he has made any attempt to keep contact with the other kids? That attitude makes me angry and sad and furious and frustrated. I don't want him interfering with their lives but to let the kids drop out of his life? If someone tried to take Tryn from me - it would be war. If health requirements meant she needed to live somewhere else for awhile, I would be writing and calling all the time. I imagine that very soon Zeke will be joining his new family (just a guess) and I wonder how Mark will react to that. Every time he has gotten notice he has called or written me and raged about how he is going to fight it...but never does.
And that is best. The kids are best off where they are with the families they are with, but I wish he would have contacted them and just requested to be kept up on how his children are doing. Send them a birthday present and Christmas present. To me, even if the court says he isn't legally responsible for 2 of his four children anymore, that doesn't disregard a moral or emotional responsibility.
On emotional responsibility - explaining this to my daughter is so hard. She doesn't understand why her dad is "letting the kids go" and she feels like she is loosing her siblings. This is such a hard topic to explain to a 16 year old. Because the kids are so young it is hard for them to remember her and the oldest Zeke who might actually remember her is the farthest away. I want to try and arrange for her to see Molly and Alex this summer now that they will be in the same city - she has never even met Molly, but I have to get this okay ed with their new families first.
I wonder if I'm projecting emotions onto Mark - but another part says no - a responsible parent keeps some kind of contact. Even if Mark only sent birthday cards and Christmas cards its something to tell the child "I remember you".
I'm angry at Mark because it feels to me like he is ignoring his children. I don't understand this attitude. I'm happy that they have family that loves them, and is taking them in and welcoming them. Molly and Alex seem very happy with them and I am so grateful for that.
I remember Zeke, from the time he was born I saw him nearly every day until Mark and Liby moved to Albuquerque. I wonder how he is doing now, he was such a happy baby I imagine him as a friendly outgoing little boy now.
I remember Alex and how scared we were for him when he was born. I was at the hospital nearly every day visiting them. He was always so little, and was still a baby when they moved. The pictures I see now - its amazing, he has Libys hair and eyes and Marks face and build. He seems happy and that's all I can ask.
I never met Eowyn - I watch her grow in pictures. In the reports of her "screaming" I hear echos of Tryns temper. In the comments I see hints of an amazing and independent girl. I remember Tryn at that age, also fiercely independent. I know Molly is her own person, without a doubt. However without meeting her I see her in pictures and through her mothers eyes. I also see her through the prism of her two sisters Shannon and Tryn.
Tryn
Zeke
Alex
Molly
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