Let Go and Let God

Let Go and Let God

The phrase Let Go and Let God used to be a "thing" at least when I was in high school. I have mentioned I am a convert to the church. In high school I was heavily involved in a local Baptist church were I lived.  Let Go and Let God meant you were giving God control of your life. I have got to say that is so much easier to say at 16 than at 42. I don't think Joseph's life turned out how he thought it would (either Joseph - son of Jacob or Joseph Smith Jr. but for now we will stick to Joseph son of Jacob). He was hated by his brothers who were jealous of him and they sold him into slavery then to  protect themselves told their father he was dead. He ended up being the property of the Pharaoh, having to fend of seduction attempts by the Pharaoh's wife and being thrown into jail. It would have been easy to give up. It would have been easy to forget the God of his fathers and worship whoever everyone else was in order to fit in, because you know he did not fit in with the rest of the household.  There was no religious support group there to help him. Joseph did none of these things, he stayed true and in the end was rewarded with a reunited family and the ability to help them when they truly needed help. 

I am not advocating making no decisions and "leaving it all up to God" that is a great way to become homeless. He gave us minds and reasoning abilities for a reason. He expects us to think and reason. However, I think that maybe the step that we might forget sometimes is to ask His opinion on decisions, and not just the big one. I can't imagine a better situation than to eventually be so in tune with the Holy Spirit that I can feel when a decision is wrong and I don't mean an ethical decision, I mean a life decision. I have a mental image of walking down life's path with Jesus guiding us around the turns and corners. He knows the way and what the best route is, we are the ones doing this blind, maybe we should listen to the guy with the map :) 

What Freedom Means....

My brother Brian posted a YouTube video on Facebook the other day. It was not a short video.  Here is the link go ahead its a very worthwhile 20 minutes. Got it? OK good. Most of the ideas in the video are not new, but the manner they are put together in were very good and thought provoking.  George Carlin talked to us about Stuff 20 years ago. Glenn Beck and a cadre of financial management people have been trying to pound debt reduction though our heads for the last several years and most people except for Congress and Washington are listening. I heard a report on the news the other day that personal debt in the US has gone down 10%. Yeah us. So we are starting to listen. Starting. We need to do more than just start. But you know what? Freedom is individual and Michael Jackson had it right you have to start with the Man in the Mirror.

After listening to Adam Baker give his talk I thought about what Freedom means to me. There are all kinds of Freedom.  There is the the time of Freedom that makes me give money to the Heritage Foundation, support GBTV and the Fair Tax. But then there is the other type of Freedom, the financial kind that is frustrating me and the kind that I often call my perpetual hamster wheel. Have you ever watched a hamster or a gerbil on his little exercise wheel? The little guy is running for all he's worth often for hours on end, and he's not getting anywhere. And sometimes he's going so fast that when he stops he spins backwards for a full spin. I feel like that sometimes. So what do we do?

We stop spending more than we make. We take a good look around at what we have and ask what do we really need. But before we can decide what we need, we have to have a goal - a destination. I was missing a key part of that destination for a long time. I knew I wanted to buy a house, I could see the house in my head. I knew that I wanted the house for me and for my financial security. I also knew that I wasn't buying the house as a financial investment to move later. I am planning on buying and staying. But I have never been able to get really past that. What happens next? Where is my life? Sounds kinda silly right? Those of you who have read my somewhat infrequent blog may have picked up on the fact that most of my life I have spent my life living for others, I am a daughter, a sister, then I was a wife, I became a mom, I am an aunt. I have always focused on others. Focusing on myself is very hard. By no means am I saying I am going to ignore or neglect my family :) of course not. But for the first time I am starting to see how I would like to see my life when I'm not hanging out with my family. And hey...maybe some of those friends I haven't seen in forever will finally get to see me.

The good news for me in listening to Adams talk is that I have never been one to acquire stuff to impress others. The better news is that with a clearer vision of what I want my life to look like, there is more stuff that I can get rid of...although I have already completed a good portion of that step. As for the financial steps...my new mantra must be "Is spending this getting me closer to my goal?".

Gaining my Stride Again

For the past many years my focus has been on these guys in one form or another. First it was Tryn and Mark,  then we got divorced and it was Tryn. Best Friends came and some stayed and some went their own way. 

But life moves on and my role in all my kids life is changing and I am slowly adjusting and so are they.  

I need to focus on getting some stuff straight in my life and let them figure stuff out in theirs while we still have fun together. On my end I am working out how my new life works and having fun being Auntie, a role that I never got to do enough!

Lifes Journey

The picture at the top of this post is no accident Bon Jovi has been the soundtrack of my life for many years. The lyrics to the title track " I think I've found my way, say goodbye to yesterday" talk about letting go of the past and moving on with the future. 
In 2010 my life changed completly.. my daughter graduated high school. Yeah! Got married(love you Aaron!) And then she and Aaron moved to Greeley for college.  While I was understandably thrilled for them...the center of my life was gone and then a few weeks later the person that I was hoping would be my new center disappeared when my fiance broke off our engagement.
Please don't misunderstand. I'm not codependant or anything. Tryn is my daughter and I consider Aaron to be my son.  I have been with Tryn nearly every day of her life Aaron has lived with us for 2 years. We have fun and do things together...currently we are all getting back into Magic.  But kids must go expereniece life...I know this. Thank go for cells and Internet!  I had remet a man I knew from USPS and we thought we were gonna get married. I thought we would go enjoy life together. He changed his mind.
Now what? Sure I can do this myself. But I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of fighting alone. Yes I know spiritually I'm not alone. Butt really is someone my age to share life with too much to ask?
But regrets are part of the Lost Highway so stick those in the dashboard and close it up. Eyes ahead and keep driving. I see the sighposts up ahead for this years trip...debt free, savings, and getting healthier...let's kick into gear and let's go!

Busy Busy Life

I haven't forgotten my blog...I have been so busy that the concept of taking the time to write it down seemed foreign. No matter how much my mind tells me that is exactly what I should be doing. Tryn is in her final week of High School, and catching up on homework she put off. I chose to try (and sometime fail) to not pester her about finishing her work, even though inside I wanted to scream - I won't be there at UNC next year when she has to manage her own time, it better to learn now while there is still a safety net. And she will finish, tonight she will have 3 of her 7 classes complete including the finals, leaving her 9 days to finish the other 4. At roughly 2 days a class she should be fine - and even get one day off :) Not my favorite personal choice, but hey, its hers.

Aaron is working on his own business, making Duct Tape Apparel and Accessories, the website is just starting but functional http://www.zerosducttape.webs.com/
The hats and wallets are cool, the roses are sweet... he is currently working on a hammock that should be very awesome.

Glenn has restarted his computer repair/network management business, http://www.lightningfastsystem.webs.com/ and that's going good.

Tryn and Aaron's wedding is June 25 they have their wedding site up and running http://www.weddingofaaronandtryn.webs.com/ so we are all over the web these days.

It will slow down soon, and life can return to normal chaos...

Tryn is 17

Yes, Tryn is my April Fools Baby and she loves it. So 17 years ago today I was laying in a hospital bed contemplating my beautiful baby girl. I always wanted a little girl. And Tryn has turned out to be everything I could have dreamed. I can barely imagine that I am the one that was given the task of guiding her to adulthood and at 17 we are almost there. I'm not perfect and I've messed some things up, but over all I think we've done pretty good.

Tryn has a pretty good head on her shoulders, she has plans for her future, things that she is passionate about in life, and a sweetheart of a guy that she is in love with and loves her. Pretty good for 17 I would say.

Happy Birthday Tryn Leigh.

Alex and Molly

On January 27th my daughters brother Alex was officially adopted into the family that he has been staying with since December 2004. This follows the adoption of Molly 2 years ago. Please don't misunderstand me - this is a wonderful thing not only for Alex and Molly and for their families. So what am I trying to say? Have you ever been happy and furious at the same time? Well, maybe furious is the wrong word. I'm really not sure how to express this second emotion. Its an emotion that comes up allot whenever I really think about this situation.

My part in this situation is both peripheral and very involved. My daughter Tryn has 2 brothers and a sister from her fathers second marriage. Zeke, Alex and Eowyn. A few months after Eowyn was born in 2004 the situation dictated that they all went to live with different relatives of their moms. Their mom and dad separated and in 2007 Eowyn was adopted by the Graham family and became Molly Elizabeth Eowyn Graham. A few days ago Alex was adopted by the Hadfields. I understand this - I'm not arguing it. I'm even thrilled for Alex. What stuns me, what amazes me is their father. I talk to their mom occasionally and she tells me how she talks to Zeke and Alex on the phone. I'm not sure how much contact she has with Molly. And of course she has contact with her oldest daughter Shannon from her first marriage.

But Mark, our ex...if he almost never calls our daughter who he lived with for the longest of all the children (10 years) what hope is that he has made any attempt to keep contact with the other kids? That attitude makes me angry and sad and furious and frustrated. I don't want him interfering with their lives but to let the kids drop out of his life? If someone tried to take Tryn from me - it would be war. If health requirements meant she needed to live somewhere else for awhile, I would be writing and calling all the time. I imagine that very soon Zeke will be joining his new family (just a guess) and I wonder how Mark will react to that. Every time he has gotten notice he has called or written me and raged about how he is going to fight it...but never does.

And that is best. The kids are best off where they are with the families they are with, but I wish he would have contacted them and just requested to be kept up on how his children are doing. Send them a birthday present and Christmas present. To me, even if the court says he isn't legally responsible for 2 of his four children anymore, that doesn't disregard a moral or emotional responsibility.

On emotional responsibility - explaining this to my daughter is so hard. She doesn't understand why her dad is "letting the kids go" and she feels like she is loosing her siblings. This is such a hard topic to explain to a 16 year old. Because the kids are so young it is hard for them to remember her and the oldest Zeke who might actually remember her is the farthest away. I want to try and arrange for her to see Molly and Alex this summer now that they will be in the same city - she has never even met Molly, but I have to get this okay ed with their new families first.

I wonder if I'm projecting emotions onto Mark - but another part says no - a responsible parent keeps some kind of contact. Even if Mark only sent birthday cards and Christmas cards its something to tell the child "I remember you".

I'm angry at Mark because it feels to me like he is ignoring his children. I don't understand this attitude. I'm happy that they have family that loves them, and is taking them in and welcoming them. Molly and Alex seem very happy with them and I am so grateful for that.

I remember Zeke, from the time he was born I saw him nearly every day until Mark and Liby moved to Albuquerque. I wonder how he is doing now, he was such a happy baby I imagine him as a friendly outgoing little boy now.

I remember Alex and how scared we were for him when he was born. I was at the hospital nearly every day visiting them. He was always so little, and was still a baby when they moved. The pictures I see now - its amazing, he has Libys hair and eyes and Marks face and build. He seems happy and that's all I can ask.

I never met Eowyn - I watch her grow in pictures. In the reports of her "screaming" I hear echos of Tryns temper. In the comments I see hints of an amazing and independent girl. I remember Tryn at that age, also fiercely independent. I know Molly is her own person, without a doubt. However without meeting her I see her in pictures and through her mothers eyes. I also see her through the prism of her two sisters Shannon and Tryn.

Tryn

Zeke

Alex

Molly

Cars and Tires and Oh My

I was trying to drive to work this morning, and I knew I had to stop and put air in the tire- but I really thought I would make it to the gas station. No such luck. The piece of good luck? I wasn't that far from the house when the tire blew. I was in control of the car, and the very nice gentleman who picked me up hiking up the hill to the house and gave me a ride back home. Also to Vanessa's family for the ride back to the car.

Aaron got my doughnut put on and that should hold me over til tomorrow. Thank you to Brad for the ride, thank you to Vanessa family for the ride back to the car, thank you to Aaron for fixing the tire, thank you God for us not getting hurt during our adventure.

Homecoming Dance

Last night was Homecoming, and from all accounts Tryn and Aaron had fun. They arrived fashionably late, enjoyed much dancing and very little drama. Went to see Aarons parents after the dance and went out to breakfast. They arrived home at 1am after which Aaron won a DVD on the radio :)